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TOPSFIELD – It’s Thursday afternoon at the Topsfield Fair and our mission is to eat our way through the Aliment Court.

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There are added than 100 options at America’s oldest fair. Best are disgustingly unhealthy, some are alone moderately unhealthy, and a scattering won’t account affection palpitations.

I’m abutting by Beth Bresnahan and Jim Wilson, the CEO and COO of Essex Media Group, The Item‘s ancestor company. We are added than up to the challenge.

“Avoid absurd meats which affronted up the blood,” said Satchel Paige, the allegorical baseball amateur who was as able-bodied accepted for his bright quotes as he was for his casting talents.

But I booty a biologic to lower my cholesterol, so no worries. I’m accessible to pig out. I survived the Houston Rodeo, which included deep-fried versions of every aliment accepted to man. How bad can this be? Bring on the blubbery foods, STAT!

***

We abide the appetite to alpha our day with a towering, awesome-looking Bacon-Cheeseburger-surrounded-by-Grilled-Cheese monstrosity, opting instead to try the added alive choice: a quarter-pound chocolate-dipped bacon on a stick for $7 at Stick ‘Em Up, which amusingly is amid abutting to the Swifty Swine Racing and Swimming Pigs HQ. We all accede it would be bigger afterwards the chocolate. Meh!

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Deep-fried Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, additionally $7, awaits at the Great American Funnel Cake booth. Topped with a acceptable aggregate of delicate sugar, it’s underwhelming and too doughy. We anniversary booty a brace of bites and bung the blow in the trash.

Along the way, we bang into Noah Cappe, the host of “Carnival Eats,” the highest-rated appearance on the Cooking Channel, who is taping an adventure at the fair. He is ridiculously skinny. How is that possible, accustomed that he consumes god-forsaken amounts of fair aliment for a living?

“Duct tape,” he said, afterwards missing a beat. “I started my day with a absurd kettle blah ice chrism sandwich, and I aloof accomplished a deep-fried taco.” Belch.

Cappe confirms he eats aggregate on the show.

“But I eat a minimum of every item. Four or bristles bites. With carnival food, the activity is putting the aliment down, which isn’t consistently easy” said the host, who additionally starred in “The Acceptable Witch,” one of the Hallmark Channel’s finest achievements.

Cappe said the new division of “Carnival Eats” begins Oct. 26. The Topsfield Fair adventure is acceptable to run in aboriginal 2018.

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We abide our journey, gluttonous carbs. The gluten-free crinkle-cut German Fries, $8 and $10, served by North Reading citizen Debbie Bennett, who is dressed like a St. Pauli Girl, attending tasty. They are. One affiliate of our trio, not Beth or me, dips his chips in vinegar. Unforgivable.

So abundant to sample, so little time and tummy: Home-cured pickles. Brisket sandwich and kugel. Cider and cider doughnuts. Fudge. Chomper’s “crunchy assurance of goodness,” in both bacon-cheeseburger and craven parm. Maple affection candy. Blah dogs. Absurd dough. The Gobbler, a turkey banquet in a sandwich that would augment four. Veggie tempura. Chrism puffs and crepes. Blah on a cob on a stick. Deep-fried Twinkies and Oreos and Milky Ways. Oh, my.

The best meal? We accede it’s the Angle and Chips bowl from TJ Greene, who operates a melancholia restaurant in Bennington, Vt., and is new to the fair. It’s a acceptable allocation and a arrangement at $10. The fish, Alaskan cod, is fresh, purchased that morning.

“I appetite to change fair food,” he said. “I grew up poor. My mom served angle sticks every Friday. I’ve been deep-frying back I was 8. Back the angle is aureate brown, you accept a winner. White is not adapted enough; if it’s orange it’s adapted too much.”

He’s set up a little off the baffled path, abreast the access to the Rabbit Barn.

Of course, we’ve larboard allowance for dessert. Learned’s Angel Pie has been a fair admired for 36 years. There’s a continued band at the stand, association agilely cat-and-mouse to absorb Tawny Learned’s hot angel crisp, blueberry brittle and angel pie with a beat of boilerplate ice chrism on top at $6 and $9. It’s a ancestors affair, her sister-in-law and babe are allowance this day, and Topsfield is the alone fair they do. She’s in the medical field, and uses her vacation to adapt and serve her home-baked desserts. We try all three, and they’re all delish.

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“Families appear actuality and acquaint us, year afterwards year, they appear to the fair aloof to accept our stuff. Last night a bedmate sat their babyish on the counter. ‘My parents brought me actuality back I was this age, and now we’re accomplishing it for our child.'” Veterans consistently eat chargeless here, adds Tawny.

Ray Hashem is the better aliment bell-ringer at the fair. He has 10 stands, best alms a array of broiled vegetables commutual with craven or beef. He rolls up his sleeves and works alongside his assistants, which this day includes his daughter, Chantelle, an advocate who is demography time off from her job to advice baby old dad. His son, a barber, and addition daughter, a CVS pharmacist, additionally are allowance out this week. Aliment is in the family’s genes: Ray’s dad formed for Anthony Athanas at the iconic Pier 4 restaurant in Boston. Ray, himself, at age 15, started with one board stand.

John Coulon, Topfield’s bloom agent, assures fairgoers that no amount what aliment they accept to eat, it’s safe.

“I do my rounds, already or alert a day, every day, to accomplish abiding all the aliment vendors are in compliance,” said Coulon, a constant Lynn citizen who is alive his twelfth fair.

“I alpha inspections the Monday afore the fair opens, and I’m here, onsite, appropriate through the end. The aboriginal three days, I allocution with the vendors as they are ambience up. The aggregate of inspections booty abode Wednesday black until the fair opens on Friday.”

Coulon says he hosts acclimatization affairs for aliment vendors the Wednesday and Thursday afore aperture day. State and federal accessible bloom inspectors “with actual analytical eyes” are actuality as well; about they see no violations and if they do, they acquaint Coulon immediately.

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“It’s been a cardinal of years back I’ve had to abutting somebody down,” he adds. “Most vendors admiration to accomplish and advance a aerial akin of compliance.”

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