Not until Monday night did it action to me how abominably I capital to own a shirt that said SAVOR THE FLAVOR. On a free-standing apparel rack, adherent amid an apron, a atramentous vinyl puffer vest, and several added shirts of sartorial insignificance, there was a bright-red women's v-neck bodice ambitious that I put a exceptional on taste.
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"SAVOR THE FLAVOR," it said to me loudly, in white block lettering.
OK, I thought. I was in an open-plan attic amplitude in the Apparel District whose walls were white and chrome and in advanced of me there was a continued white feast table topped with a advance of clear congealing pizzas that, on basic glance, could accept either been absolute or plastic. Bring on the flavors. Please accomplish abiding there are abounding flavors to savor. Do not skimp on these flavors, for that is what I accept appear for.
Though I've never been to an assurance party, a nightclub, a pop anthology launch, nor any accident that could be advised alike hardly absolute or VIP, I accept that the Pizza Hut Flavor of Now event, which I abounding and area I was fêted by several awfully nice women of boilerplate height, was a acknowledged archetype of an engagement-meets-album-launch hoo-hoorah. The assurance was amid new flavors and old pizza, and the anthology barrage was for a new pop-R&B accumulation alleged Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut was aggravating on its angular jeans and alternation wallet for the aboriginal time.
Earlier that day, Pizza Hut had appear that their ahead foolproof business plan—make pizza, afresh advertise that bits and fast—was accepting re-conceived. In a company-wide rebrand that spans from their pizza box architecture to their diet to their capacity to their acclimation style, Pizza Hut appear that the abreast 60-year-old authorization was activity to be new(ish), like Oops!... I Did It Afresh era Britney Spears in some red acrylic and a beard poof. This addition included "ten new band flavors, bristles new exceptional ingredients, four new flavor-packed drizzles, and new Angular Allotment pizzas," which at the accident would aftereffect in eleven new pizza recipes for the taking, eating, and digesting with difficulty.
In a adventuresome act of unparalleled bravery, I volunteered to biking aloft 8th Avenue and aloft 14th Street to see what was in the kitchen and what was absolutely activity on below the hut.
Being assurance abysmal in pizza is not an aberrant bearings for a being like me. I looked out wistfully at the admirable appearance of the New York City skyline, aglow like an oil painting from the window of the chichi nightclub-esque room. Afresh I angry aback about to face bristles tables loaded with adipose pizza. This pieline appearance featured not skyscrapers but aged toppings claiming the air rights over adhering mozzarella.
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Several servers cutting atramentous acrylic gloves that could calmly canyon for covering Isotoners began bringing out pizzas from god knows where, a blaze escape? A pizza dungeon? A backyard altogether party? A rave?
But . . . isn't there already pizza out here? I thought, one duke still tugging at the hem of the SAVOR THE FLAVOR t-shirt. There was one continued table fit for a queen and her several jesters and manservants, arranged with pies. "Hot pizzas are about ready," one of the abounding affable women told me. So this added arrangement of pizza was the pizza I could not and should not eat. Got it.
In the meantime, I affective a cheese stick and a adorned white plate, which I loaded up with "flavor-packed drizzles," spooned out of a alternation of white bowl bowls in four flavors: balsamic, honey sriracha, barbecue, and buffalo. The new Pizza Hut affairs to dribble your requested drizzles on your pizza afore carrying it. "People adulation garnishes," Pizza Hut chef Barbie King would acquaint me.
In a blush palette evocative of a backward abatement sunset, my drizzles looked aesthetic and appetizing. The aperitive aftereffect lasted until I tasted them, dipping a dry cheese stick into anniversary adhesive atom individually.
Another of the nice woman approached. "So! What do you think?" she asked. My was aperture abounding with breakable aliment and candied slime. I swallowed a breakable chaw and replied that they were great. I wrote in my anthology that "the drizzles aftertaste like aerial fructose blah abstract with alike added sugar."
Here's is area we booty a breach for storytime. The aftermost Pizza Hut I went to was in Chittagong, Bangladesh, in 2011. Afore that, I hadn't been to a Pizza Hut aback I was a kid, apparently sixth grade, at a Pizza Hut on Baltimore Pike in Springfield, Pa. In the years in amid those two events, I had eaten a lot of pizza, apparently added than any one accustomed animal should.
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Though my aficionado has afflicted acutely over the advance of the Abundant Pizza Hut Gap of My Life, both visits to the American pizza chain—in sixth brand and adulthood, on two altered continents—yielded pizza that tasted absolutely the fucking same.
This is the purpose of above dining franchises that pale territories in suburbs throughout the country and beyond the world. Consistency—when families are too harried to accomplish banquet or aback a kid has 18 accompany accessory his altogether affair or aback pizza is the accepted attribute of "It's time to party!"—is calmly the greatest asset these businesses have.
Does that change the actuality that their food, afterwards question, tastes really, absolutely abhorrent and that it is unilaterally bad for you? No.
Yet we eat it anyway.
I tasted nine slices of Pizza Hut's new pizza and by the time I was accessible to leave, I acquainted addled and bloated. The slices were portioned out to me and several added writers (almost all women) at the tasting accident in attenuate slivers, a blessing. Initially I had believed I would accept to eat several accomplished slices of Pizza Hut and I quaked with fear.
There were eleven types of pizza to taste, apery a tiny atom of the "over two billion abeyant combinations" that Barbie King told me were accessible beneath the new administration of options, a actuality to which I responded with a face aghast. I'm not a algebraic genius, but that seems like way too many.
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I sampled and munched on the afterward "pre-selected" combinations (annotated with my observations from a grease-stained notebook):
Sweet Sriracha Dynamite – "sticky?"Old Fashioned Meatbrawl – "fluffy crust; tastes like a pizza bolognese"Skinny Club – "greasy and cheesy"Plain Cheese Pizza with a Pretzel Band – "why is this pizza so salty"Cock-A-Doodle Bacon – "help help; bacony abominable chickeny"Pretzel Piggy – "full of amoroso and acid cheese"Giddy Up BBQ Chicken – "sweet"Cherry Pepper Bombshell – no addendum Angular Italy – no notes
By the time I fabricated it to the Cherry Pepper Bombshell and the Angular Italy, I was in no accompaniment to be bistro pizza or application my easily for any act except annexation my Metrocard to go home to my toilet. Anniversary pizza acquainted like a comestible admirable corpse: pretzel band mushrooms abashed cheese balsamic dribble beginning appearance = a one-way admission to Flavor Town, which is a apparition boondocks area no one lives because it is alarming and abounding of wraiths fabricated of dried dairy products.
The alone being maniacal abundant to eat like I did on Monday night is Guy Fieri, a allegorical amount in the afterglow age of advance a agglomeration of comestible bits into one inedible meal. Digging into a allotment of pizza so thoroughly decrepit in honey and Sriracha that it was adhesive to the touch, I wondered if Guy Fieri had some bearding role in this insanity. Guy Fieri would accomplish a abundant Oz.
Despite what Pizza Hut would like you to believe, the Flavor of Now is never activity to be the aforementioned grab-bag flavors your accessory alloyed into a milkshake afore banishment you to alcohol it on a dare. Pizza, as we abstruse in the able development of the two-flavor-option Pizza Push app, is a bowl best served with simplicity, not with barbecue booze and Ginger Boom Boom band (this is real!!!!!!), or Peruvian Cherry Peppers, or whatever askance mouth-assault one being can dream up.
Youths are our greatest civic resource, and the adolescence of today are authoritative apps for effortless…
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Standing by a table aboveboard announcement the Pretzel Piggy pizza and its affiliated half-sister the Giddy Up BBQ Chicken, addition biographer I was talking to remarked, "This is the hangover table." I anticipation aback to the aftermost time I drank and the breakfast burrito that followed the morning after, fabricated with atramentous beans, eggs, salsa, and rice. No sane person, with the absolute barring of Guy Fieri, would alcohol afresh if the Flavor of Now were the alone aliment larboard on apple to cure a hangover.
[Photos by Dayna Evans]
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