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“The art of accident isn’t adamantine to master;

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so abounding things accept abounding with the intent

to be absent that their accident is no disaster.”

—  Elizabeth Bishop in “One Art”

We are consistently absent afterwards losing.

I, like anyone abroad afterwards a loss, consistently try to active my apperception with arbitrary passions, approaching intentions and existential questions. Like a cat who licks and kneads herself obsessively, I’m bedeviled with admonishment my centralized anarchy with a sandpaper argot and anxiously acicular claws.

But added generally than not, this admonishment behavior after-effects in a added faculty of sadness, a bleak appearance on activity acquired by the abhorrence of loss. The abhorrence of accident is a absinthian anxious that backing cannot mitigate. This abhorrence is not an aberration or a evidence of illness; rather, it is a accepted and capital acquaintance all-important in our lifetime. The important affair is that, if we charge lose one day, we charge to beat this abhorrence and become masters of the art of losing. In fact, the losses we abhorrence the best are not physical, but article in our imagination.

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The best archetype is with love. As we footfall into adulthood, the alive bounce of our troubles is added or beneath an affect accepted as lovesickness. The cursory faculty of action brought alternating by unrealistic fantasies is able-bodied adumbrated by James Joyce’s abbreviate adventure “Araby.” In “Araby,” a boy longs for a adventurous accord with a babe that he about knows. But in the end, he realizes that his amore for the babe will never be adored and that all he knows about the babe arises from his imagination. His alveolate conceiving shatters aloft a blow with absoluteness and transforms into a self-recognition of “a animal apprenticed and derided by vanity.”

I was, and still apparently am, one of these creatures. For it is not the accord itself that makes a accord beautiful, but the acuteness of what a accord could be. This fantasy fogs my vision, abashing the absoluteness of a relationship, about like apperception unwrapped ability on Christmas morning, afore aperture them to disappointment. Fantasy accordingly leads to loss, and acted adulation belief are no different. The moment he comes over and speaks to me, the moment he shuns or neglects me or the moment his attenuate fingers blow addition else’s hand, my apparition of what-could-have-been is shattered.

The important affair is that, if we charge lose one day, we charge to beat this abhorrence and become masters of the art of losing. In fact, the losses we abhorrence the best are not physical, but article in our imagination.

I acclimated to sit abutting to a boy in primary school. He was by no agency good-looking, but he had baby slanted eyes that arced aback he smiled. He had a sister who couldn’t acquaint her right shoe from the larboard one because she was disabled, and he would generally kneel bottomward to tie her shoes for her. He gave me two nicknames: Sister Furong, an internet celebrity in China that accustomed common ballyhoo for acceptable the analogue of ugliness, and Diaochan, one of the Four Beauties of age-old China.

In average school, however, we were not as abutting as we acclimated to be, demography altered classes, about seeing one another, let abandoned dabbling fun at anniversary added like we acclimated to do. Therefore, aback I heard an ambulance arrant bottomward the artery during English class, I would never accept anticipation that the boy who texted me a few weeks before, allurement for my assessment about a abode to bless his 13th altogether on the aftermost day of December, was the aforementioned boy alfresco amidst by a crowd, the boy twitching on the school’s racetrack, the boy we absent on a accidental morning run because of a complete affection defect.

Like a bull duke yanking out a cardboard towel, this accident pulled at my affection over the abutting few weeks. At school, I hid in the bath to besom abroad my tears, my spirit acceptable drier and drier with the cardinal of tears I shed. I sat cross-legged on the rooftop with abandoned beer cans broadcast on the attic and Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly with His Song” ascendance into the all-inclusive abandoned sky.

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Why did I ache about him acceptable a anamnesis if he had already become a anamnesis of the past?

I anticipation my inundating affliction was aberrant aback then. What was it that I absent aback he had chock-full actuality allotment of my life, aback his baby slanted eyes had become bugged to me, aback our accord had achromatic abroad like stars aloft burghal lights at night? Why did I ache about him acceptable a anamnesis if he had already become a anamnesis of the past?

I went to his funeral. It was the aboriginal burial I’d anytime been to. I forgot to accompany tissues with me, so I couldn’t stop my adenoids from streaming. I looked at him aback we circled about him again, except this time, he lay still affably in a bottle coffin.

It was afresh that I accomplished what I had lost. I absent the adventitious for his eyes to see me again. His baby slanted eyes, arced by a smile, would never ambit again. What I absent was not article in the past, but article that could accept happened — no, will never happen. The fog had withdrawn, and I will never accept the ability that already lived in my imagination.

Perhaps this abhorrence of accident is accompanying to a acutely abiding faculty of anxiety. Perhaps anxiety is the account of all troubles. We acceptable and attending for connected conflicts, alarming obstacles and arresting paradoxes in life, alone because we are abashed that we could accept done bigger and accomplished aloof a little bit more.

Perfection is meaningless, worthless, charmless and basically absurd in a apple area we depend aloft the abilities to be admired and to be hurt.

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We are abashed of accident the bigger angle point on top of the mountain, the added adorable allotment of a amber block or the added alluring adventurous relationship. Are these near-unattainable adventures better? We don’t know. But we accept they are better, motivated to strive afterwards these goals afore we apprehend there is annihilation bigger than what you have.

If we accept to lose something, let it be lost. None of us should be the being who weeps over every distinct loss. Activity will alternation us into audacious bodies with bold smiles, fabricated adamant by the heartaches and troubles of accustomed life. While some say we as adulterated creatures do not deserve perfection, I altercate that the absolute acumen is artlessly because accomplishment has annihilation to do with us. Accomplishment is meaningless, worthless, charmless and basically absurd in a apple area we depend aloft the abilities to be admired and to be hurt. If every distinct one of us accomplished perfection, every alternation with others would be like aggravating to fit addle pieces that are altogether round.

In my head, I’m consistently audition Norah Jones’ lyrics from “Little Lou, Ugly Jack, Prophet John”: “What a waste. I could’ve been your lover. I could’ve been your friend.” But red roses consistently about-face white aural our grips. We butt too adamantine and authority too deeply assimilate opportunities that can alone be accomplished by absolution go.

We are always losers, ashore with lovelorn hearts that are absurd to satisfy. We will lose aggregate one day. That’s why we should apprentice to let go so that we can become freer and lighter.

This is the art of losing.

Contact Raina Yang at [email protected] and chase her on Twitter at @rainayanglw.

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