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Wearing a Christmas band on his head, Beowulf the croaking bound through the snow, unfettered, angry his face up to the sky. He smiles as snowflakes cook on the tip of his choco-cherry nose. He’s blessed and chargeless as can be.
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That is my fantasy for my dog Beowulf. Maybe one day it will appear true.
I alive in a archetypal ticky-tacky baby Spenard Spenartment with no fenced-in backyard.
I apperceive what you’re thinking.
Hey you fucking capricious womanchild, why did you get a 72-pound wolf barbarian who needs to run like the wind consistently back you accept boilerplate for him to run?
Well, you rude, judgmental person, I capital to airing like an Alaskan, with a behemothic badass Arctic dog at my side. And I planned to airing him as generally as accessible and booty him to the dog esplanade consistently to get his runnies on.
But that plan hasn’t formed out so well.
First of all, alien to me back I adopted him, Beo has assailment issues with best added macho dogs. He can’t run unleashed in a dog esplanade unless he’s the alone dog, or he’s with babe dogs, which he seems to dig.
Often, we accept to burrow about and delay for the esplanade to clear.
Adding to this inconvenience, I alone accept a brace adjacent fenced-in dog esplanade options. One is Valley of the Moon Park, armpit of a 2016 bifold homicide. It’s usually too awash for us to get any runnies.
The added is Arctic-Benson Dog Esplanade at 31st Ave. and Arctic Blvd., in which a man was stabbed in August. It is added frequently abandoned of dogs because it is a broad hellmouth unfit for animal or beast.
Anchorage Parks and Recreation and Anchorage Esplanade Foundation “improved” the esplanade this summer by abacus a alleyway and alluvium area. It was a nice gesture, but affectionate of pointless.
It’s the bright characters that accomplish the esplanade the appropriate abode it is. And they haven’t been renovated. I appetite you to about acquaintance my archetypal black at the park, so acquiesce me to present the comedy play:
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(Starring: Me, Beo, Dead-Eyed Dog Hag, the Cackling Crackhead Chorus, Shifty Pacing Guy and Bashed Dickhead)
(I esplanade at the park. Shifty Pacing Guy is ambit the park, all antsy with his eyes darting around. There are dogs and owners in the park.)
Me: Oh no, Beo, there are brainless bodies actuality with there dogs acquisitive the park. Let’s aloof airing about until they leave.
Beo: Rooooooooo!
(Beo and I airing forth the outskirts of the park, abaft benches active by The Cackling Crackhead Chorus and added regulars)
WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME? GUY: WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME?
Me: Charlie
WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME? GUY: WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME?
Me: OMIGOD shut up!!!!
Cackling Crackhead Chorus affiliate to accidental vagabond: Hey, don’t airing away. You anticipate you’re bigger than me? Fuck you!!!
Random vagabond: What’s your problem? Screw you! Wanna fight??
(Fisticuffs ensue. Cop car arrives. Dogs and owners assuredly leave the dog park.)
["388"]Gucci Mane – Both Lyrics | Genius Lyrics | i don t usually do this unless i m drunk lyricsMe: Yay Beo. Let’s go get your runnies!
Beo: Roo roooo!
(Beo appropriately runs for about two minutes. Enter dogless Bashed Dickhead, chugging a beer. He swings accessible the dog esplanade aboideau and doesn’t lock it.)
Me: Could you abutting the gate?
Drunk Dickhead: Whut? Mumble, mumble…
Me: CLOSE THE GATE!! This is a dog park!!
(Drunk Dickhead lets this advice bore in and fumbles with the aboideau until it appears to be closed)
Drunk Dickhead: My name is Bashed Dickhead. What’s your name?
Me: Uh, Jackie
(Drunk Dickhead hovers around, breathes bottomward my neck, again aimlessly walks out into the park.)
Me: I anticipate he’s attractive for a abode to pee.
Beo: Rooo?
(Drunk Dickhead allotment and starts jumping about Beo and affliction him)
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Drunk Dickhead: This dog is agrersiive. He dangrus, mumble, he shouldn’t be here. He bigger not chaw me, blah, blah, blah!!
Me: What do you anticipate he’s activity to do with you jumping about and affliction him like an idiot? This esplanade is for dogs! It’s not for dogless bashed people!! Why are you alike in here??!! Get the fuck abroad from me and my dog!!!
(Drunk Dickhead eventually stumbles away, abrogation the dog esplanade fence accessible AGAIN. Dead-Eyed Dog Hag approaches the fence with two dogs.)
Me: Hello Dead-Eyed Dog Hag, could you amuse accord me a additional to accumulate my dog and get him out of actuality because I don’t apperceive how he’ll acknowledge to your dogs.
Dead-Eyed Dog Hag: I’m gonna bang that dog if he gets abreast my dogs!!
Me: That’s why I asked you to delay a second.
Dead-Eyed Dog Hag: I’m gonna bang that dog!!
Me: Don’t bang my dog!
Dead-Eyed Dog Hag: I’m gonna bang him!
(Beo and I leave the dog esplanade as Dead-Eyed Dog Hag grumbles and threatens us. As we leave, Shifty Pacing Guy dashes by and we bolt a glimpse of Bashed Dickhead urinating on amphitheater equipment.)
Me: Oh for the adulation of God. This abode is above disgusting. I am done. I AM NEVER COMING BACK!!!
WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME? GUY: WHAT’S YER DOG’S NAME?
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So as you see, Beofreedom isn’t free. Rooo!
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