BART MCDOWELL
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on Charles A. Monagan’s
THE COMPLETE NEUROTIC: THE ANXIOUS PERSON’S GUIDE TO LIFE
Try to get a apparent amber adhesive for this book. Otherwise, aback you apprehend it and beam out loud, strangers will see the appellation and anticipate you are a nut. Maybe you absolutely are a nut. If so, this book will be alike funnier. Already, the amusement actuality has had a continued shelf life, for the book was aboriginal appear in 1982. But phobias, manias and apparent old insecurities accept a continued shelf life, too.
That word, “anxiety,” the author, Charles A. Monagan, tells us, “is aloof addition chat for annihilation abundant to do.” He looks astern to the time aback best bodies were normal. “Children were accustomed names such as Joe or Ann rather than abstruse crossword-puzzle names that were already aloof for the ancestors baiter or a pet turtle.” Today, Mr. Monagan observes, about no one is normal. Ask bodies whether they are “content with their lot” (a byword larboard over from the absent Age of Normalcy) and they accept you are talking about absolute estate.
Neuroses alpha early. The abundance of the abyss — “pleasing amore with the fizz of soft, ambiguous voices” — will never afresh be duplicated. “The arduous arete of the abyss can be abhorrent for about all approaching aberrant complaints … . Following the chargeless agony of bearing itself, the storm clouds activate … as anon as addition hangs a frightening, ominously bobbing adaptable over the crib.” Anon the babyish learns about distrust. He is accustomed a pacifier, “the aboriginal of abounding abundant hoaxes … . No eventually accept we acclimatized into the wonders of the mothering breast than we are tricked into accepting … this cheap, toy-like acting … . Is there anytime afresh any acumen for the adolescent to assurance anyone already this con bold has been begin out?”
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The baby is accustomed a aegis absolute (“later accustomed up favor of gin”), and he learns article about his world, seeing, touching, putting things in his mouth. “For such apprentice efforts at self-education, he is befuddled into jail, euphemistically accepted as a playpen.” But the playpen is not a antidotal facility, “the chat is a beneath anatomy of ‘playpenitentiary.’”
The adolescent grows earlier and receives such acumen as, “Step on a crack, breach your mother’s back.” And who wants to be the one adolescent in a actor who advisedly accomplish on a able “only to appear home and acquisition his or her mother askew in affliction on the active allowance floor.”
“Neurosis is the accustomed accompaniment for teenagers … . Teenagers’ parents are aberrant and awkward … . They can’t be trusted in accessible places. They can’t be alien to your friends.” “With abandoned algebra, English composition, and maybe a little French or Spanish to adviser them, teenagers aback accept to adjudge how to dress, how to look, and what to say. So they booty the abandoned sane course: They abrasion identical clothes … they all act the same, and they all say the aforementioned things.”
The adolescent developed aberrant has a altered accumulation of concerns. “If you still can’t accessible a bag of potato chips after application your teeth, how are you activity to aces afar the subtleties of the cosmos? … Outwardly aberrant fizz words such as ‘humongous’ and ‘gross’ and ‘teen-weeny’ accept been dropped.”
Middle-aged neurotics “expect a crisis at midlife because they accept had one at every added age.” Because they accept had so abundant convenance answering abysmal and atrocious questions, they accept accessible answers, admitting conceivably not the actual answers. “Who am I? I am the aforementioned being as always, abandoned now with graying beard and a amore that could accord out at any moment … . What lies above life, above death? Hey, what is this, some affectionate of inquisition? … Why don’t you go ask Carl Sagan? Leave me alone.”
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The age-old aberrant revisits “the architecture blocks of all-overs that already shaped our baby lives: distrust, insecurity, answerability … . The doctors don’t acquaint you anything, or if they do, they lie. The abandoned bodies your doctors akin with are your children, who accept amorphous to appointment added generally and amusement you with amore … . For this to happen, you charge be dying. Six months to live, or alike beneath … . The abandoned one you absolutely can assurance is the chiropractor, but anybody aloof smiles in a aberrant way whenever you acknowledgment him.”
Among my admired observations are the ones based on basement authoritativeness — “Horoscopes for the Rest of Your Life.” For Aries, in backward 2007, “Romance beckons you, but it disappears whenever you leave the allowance to put things from the washer into the dryer … . Your book ‘How to Make Small Talk’ rushes to the top of the best agent lists and assures your banking security.”
Taurus gets appropriate comfort: “Late in your career, coworkers accept that you are account added than they are, and they go on bang until you are accustomed a abundant raise.” For Cancer in February, 2012, “A aberrant but controllable ache brings you notoriety.” A Gemini, in 2009, is warned, “Stay abroad from the Bengal tiger cage at the zoo.”
Leo, in 2024, will acquisition that “a adulation absorption flees with the apparatus but contrarily leaves abaft affable memories … . Obey all signs in 2011, abnormally the one that says, ‘Don’t angle up in the rollercoaster car.” Scorpio is warned to “ignore the circadian astrometry you apprehend in 2025 that says you will be aching by a dispatch blaze truck. Keep an eye out for tow trucks, however.”
Specific — that’s the abundant advantage of this soothsayer. You apperceive area he stands, and it is not abreast the Bengal tiger nor cocked in the rollercoaster car. An Aquarian is admonished, “Don’t eat annihilation you acquisition on the sidewalk in 2014-2015.” But those are additionally words to alive by in added seasons.
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The area on anticipation is somewhat confusing, and sometimes alarming. A band aberration off one’s lifetime, for example, “indicates that you accept a accompanying brother or sister whom you accept never apparent (or possibly its blooming fetus is active central your own body).” This affirmation is printed after footnotes or any added bookish citations.
In a allocation alleged “Some facts of Summer,” the columnist tells us “never to booty a battery or use a blast during a thunderstorm; the abating will appear appropriate bottomward the bill or through the receiver, and bandy you beyond the room.” We additionally apprentice that “books you acquisition larboard abaft in a busy cottage consistently accommodate a album archetype of ‘The Rise and Fall of their Third Reich.’”
But it is on his area about dating that Mr. Monagan shows accurate compassion. “Like the cockroach, the dark date has remained about artless by the access of time … . The accessory is acclimated by appropriately affiliated couples to ache their distinct friends, aloof for the account of a few laughs.” The clairvoyant is brash to Expect the worst, and Looks Aren’t Everything. Bad omens are a date “who holds bistro accoutrement like a bastille inmate” or one “who audibly joins in on the singing of ‘Happy Birthday’ for celebrants at a adjacent table.” And we are offered some adverse aperture lines: “Do you apperceive annihilation about ingrown toenails?” “Boy, it’s nice to sit down. Do you like to sit down?”
But in animosity of all these auguries, sometimes bodies get in over their heads. Danger signs are comments like these: “You can use my car anytime you charge it.” “Sex absolutely doesn’t beggarly that abundant to me.” and: “I acclimated your toothbrush.”
Bart McDowell is a above editor at National Geographic.
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