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Some bodies are admirers of the New England Patriots. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the New England Patriots. This 2017 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here.
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DURA-PLANK-XL | Centura London and Windsor | Dura Contract Vinyl Plank FlooringYour team: The Richard Spencer Blues Explosion.
Your 2016 record: 14-2. Super Bowl champions. MAGA.
Your coach: Football Steve Bannon.
“And there were no canicule off!” Indeed, with that one activity cry, the masses did acclamation and afresh resume their jobs at the ammunition factory, wherein they affected day and night all for the GLORIES OF THE STATE.
I’m gonna be altogether honest: I’m still abashed by the Trump letter. It’s not artlessly that Belichick wrote it, but additionally the agreeable of the letter itself:
Congratulations on a amazing campaign. You accept to advice with an astonishing slanted and abrogating media and accept appear out beautifully. You accept accurate to be the ultimate adversary and fighter. Your administration is amazing. I accept consistently had amazing annual for you for the courage and backbone you accept displayed over the able year is remarkable.
Come on man, he sounds EXACTLY like Trump. How is this the aforementioned guy? Bill Belichick should fucking HATE the President. The President is a fat, lazy, anemic blowhard. How is the greatest football apperception in history hoodwinked here? DID HE NOT STUDY THE TAPE? And what business does Bill Belichick, of all people, accept accusatory about the media? This guy treats the media like complete bits and they still adhere on his every word, praying they get advantageous and that Daddy ability them a 20-minute argument on connected snapping if they appear to ask aloof the right, football-only question. He’s beaten the media like a dog, and he’s still bitching aloof because bodies wanna ask him about the Buttfumble? Man, fuck him blind. The Red Sox abstruse spying from this man.
And for real, I bet he’s TOTALLY into ancestral scouting. Loogit all the undrafted white bodies he claimed off the atom heap. “I allegation boys who’ll aces up my arrangement FAST.”
Your quarterback: Chia berry android Tom Brady.
Here’s a fella who will face any NFL aegis but not any catechism allurement him about his friends. Booty abroad Ballghazi and aggregate about Tom Brady is still adumbral as all fuck. He eats vegan dog food. He squirts alkali packets into his baptize and claims it’s a phenomenon drug. He’s spent an disproportionate bulk of time aggravating to beard his own history of concussions and claiming that he has miraculously abhorred them acknowledgment to addition a lot and abandonment all seeded berries. He sticks a MAGA hat in his locker and afresh acts affronted aback anyone dares to ask if he supports Trump, afresh skips out on the White Abode visit. His claimed training authority is a con man. He workshops TV shows with Jim Gray. He uses money from one alms to pay addition charity. He defies the accustomed banned of crumbling for pro athletes and NO ONE in the media arches an countenance at it because they’re all DESPERATE to be the aboriginal anchorman to get appropriate archetype out of him.
He takes below-market bulk for a bacon because he can (and because I already apperceive abuse able-bodied he’s gonna get able allotment affairs of the aggregation aback he retires), which seduces idiot GMs and admirers of added teams into cerebration their players care to fuck themselves in the ass for the annual of THE TEAM. On the field, Brady is a god, and off of it he is a artful cipher. I could altercate that Tom Brady represents aggregate amiss with America. Here’s a man who’s too affluent and adequate with his activity to accident a goddamn affair off the field. He exists alone to added his own ends while assuming to aloof be a acceptable guy. It’s like addition fabricated Ivanka Trump into a football player. He’s a sniveling, snaky, brainless goon. Aback we assuredly go to Nuclear War and best of the planet is wiped out, Brady will still be here, active abaft a wall, sitting by a basin with a brainless beam on his face, apprehensive what all the negativity is about.
What’s new that sucks: God, they’re fucking loaded everywhere. Brady could get decapitated and they’d still be advantaged to win the Super Bowl with Pizza Boy at QB. Name addition aggregation that would cut Kony Ealy aloof because they could. They traded for Brandin Cooks. They swiped Stephon Gilmore and David Harris from their hapless analysis rivals. They added backs Mike Gillislee and Rex Burkhead (WHITE PLAYER ALERT) in an accomplishment to abide their attitude of giving no RB constant touches. They absent Julian Edelman for the analysis but that’ll alone accord NEXT MAN UP chubbies to every declared diehard fan now active in Santa Monica. Oh, and bisected their analysis is staging two of the best arrant catchbasin jobs in alliance history.
Aaron Hernandez got his confidence voided by killing himself. That was like the Tuck Aphorism of murder.
What has consistently sucked: Congrats, Patriots fans! You are the official aggregation of the alt-right! They’re all yours. Added important, your aggregation is now emblematic of an America that is adulterated aloft recognition: a abode area bodies are beneath admired than the adventurous and adventurous companies that aerate commitment and ability by phasing out every aftermost trace of altruism and alleviative bodies like atramentous to be shoveled into a furnace. The Patriots can alike get NFL players to buy into this shit. Players are like, “Wow, these guys absolutely apperceive how to get the best out of me appropriate afore advantageous me what I’m absolutely worth!” This aggregation dangled Malcolm Butler all offseason and afresh absitively to accumulate him in the fold, and of advance he’ll still comedy blithely for them because NFL players apperceive that you can either be advised like bits in New England and win, or be advised able-bodied abroad and lose.
Their admirers adulation to anxiety in to Dipshit and Chuckles in the AM so they can accuse about how a first-round aces who happens to be atramentous should get cut to “send a message,” aback assuming to be the afflicted man in allegation of this aggregation is the alone way these bodies can acquisition any joy. There’s annihilation commendable about Brady, or Belichick, or horny-ass Robert Kraft. And there’s DEFINITELY annihilation admirable about their also-ran admirers (Marky Mark larboard early!), who still draw out their bashed fathers’ old Hugh Millen trading cards any time addition calls them a bandwagoner and who STILL feel victimized alike afterwards acceptable sports fan Powerball:
God, what a agglomeration of acerb pricks. The fucking FBI helped your idiot quarterback acquisition his jersey. You bodies are babyish worse than a chihuahua on an airplane. I ambition Mauricio Ortega had gotten abroad with it, dammit. I ambition Edelman’s old abecedary had told him to get fucked. I wanna appearance you something. Here’s a photo of the dude who got bankrupt yanking the blaze anxiety in the Steelers’ hotel:
Tell me EVERY Pats fan doesn’t attending absolutely like that guy. He’s got it all: the Casey Affleck stubble, the asleep eyes. These are the bad-tempered drones who accept the absolute attitude to acclamation on a humorless brace of an alignment that smothers aggregate and anybody in algid gray fog. The apparatus wins. The abounding ache for the accessory of the few. Goody fucking two shoes. I’m gonna get alike DRUNKER for this abutting Super Bowl win of theirs. It’s my alone diversion.
And SUPER TRIPLE DURA-FUCK Mike Lombardi. This isn’t a rule, you big brainless fuck. And fuck Patriot Week.
Did you know? The Patriots accept been outscored in Super Bowls by 38 points. By all metrics, they should alone accept THREE rings at most, and not five. And that’s afore we abstract for all the cheating, which would accompany their Pythagorean Super Bowl win absolute to -2.7.
Also, Gronk is accepting traded at midseason. It’s a bitter lock. Belichick will amaze the apple by aircraft him to L.A. and afresh his arm will abatement off and he’ll amateur breach anniversary lung.
What ability not suck: Boston able leads the alliance in disappointment Nazi rallies. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Maybe you should beef the football aggregation next.
HEAR IT FROM PATS FANS!
[Ed. note: See if you can acquaint area these booty a turn]
Brandon:
Because fuck us.
Andy:
Kill me. I’m amidst by assholes.
Casey:
We ability as able-bodied change our aggregation helmet to MAGA hats.
Alistair:
Every time I see a Rex Burkhead jersey this analysis I’m activity to feel bad for the distinct mother in Southie who didn’t get her adolescent abutment acquittal instead.
Michael:
For me, actuality a Patriots fan sometimes feels like actuality a nice German actuality column WW2. Like, I get why anybody automatically assumes I’m a allotment of shit. But I’m not, I swear!
Steve:
Two canicule afterwards acceptable the Super Bowl, they filed to cast the byword “Blitz for Six.”
Rusty:
After Tom Brady’s abeyance was accepted aftermost year, my Dad, a calm white collar businessman, took to his cast new able Twitter annual to cheep “Patriots Lives Matter.” I assertive him over the buzz to annul his account.
Shane:
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DURA CONTRACT CLIC | Centura London and Windsor | Dura Contract Vinyl Plank FlooringThe WEEI flat can burn.
Justin:
Fuck Curt Schilling.
Matt:
I can’t accept Wes Welker died for these people.
JR:
Rex Burkhead sounds like a dining anteroom at Choate.
Jared:
I couldn’t advice but feel like I was acclaim adjoin Martin Luther King during the countdown to aftermost year’s Super Bowl.
Michael:
The QB has affronted himself into a QVC chic activity accusation cat-and-mouse to happen, and aback it does, he’ll be replaced with a life-sized Mediterranean Ken doll. Anybody associated with the aggregation won’t stop adage “We’re on to abutting season”. I can’t handle the airs of it.
Patrick:
With every achievement and Super Bowl, there is consistently that abiding anticipation in the aback of my apperception that I am aboveboard acknowledging aggregate I hate.
Hey:
Robert Kraft has morphed from aloof connected time season-ticket holder into a Trump-loving douchebag who’ll analysis your checkbook antithesis and association cachet afore he allows you the advantage of his aggregation in the stadium.
Sean:
Like any acceptable band affiliate I suppressed my censor and absolutely bought a “Do Your Job” T-shirt. Never apperception the anarchic aspect of a mantra which boils bottomward every player’s altruism to that of a widget.
Brad:
The aggregation brought in goats to training affected for admirers to bless Brady’s 40th birthday. The alignment whose drillmaster sniffles, grunts, and honks about no amateur actuality aloft the aggregation absolutely brought in a fucking cuddle zoo for their Bruschi jersey, jort-wearing fans. The fuck.
Dan:
The Patriots commissioned 283 chunk in their Super Bowl ring, which somehow manages to amalgamate the caitiff conduct of the Cobra Kai with the dickish crowing of somebody you blocked on Twitter administration a screenshot of your block screen.
Pat:
I accede myself a reasonable, alert Patriots fan, but I’m aloof Bruce Banner, and about central me there’s a Hulk cutting a COUNT THE RINGS shirt aloof cat-and-mouse to access out. It will happen. It happens every time I watch a game. My dog was added afraid by my acknowledgment to the Super Bowl than he was by the fireworks on the 4th of July. I’m affairs him a thundershirt for the preseason.
Josh:
The Massachusetts accompaniment badge appear a account of the top 10 establishments area bashed drivers were accepting shitfaced afore putting their fat asses abaft a caster and accepting pulled over for a DUI. Did Gillette Amphitheater accomplish the top 10? You bet! And what was #1? Toby Keith’s I Adulation This Bar at Patriot Place.
Pete:
People didn’t bandy up area they stood aback Belichick approved to alpha a NO DAYS OFF chant. 1000% of the bodies at the array aloof chanted and hooted admitting absolutely accepting taken a day off to be there.
Jess:
Not too connected ago I was activity through airport security, and the TSA aggressor activity through my bag noticed my son’s Patriot’s bodice and started giving me affliction about it. The Patriots put me at a moral disadvantage to a TSA goon. That’s how bad the Patriots suck.
Taylor:
An absurd Super Bowl improvement was anon co-opted by fucking Nazis. I fucking abhorrence this team.
Joseph:
Patriots admirers are the alone ones in the alliance who STILL won’t shut the fuck up about Ballghazi.
Trever:
I am about attractive advanced to the Patriots advancing aback to Earth so that I don’t allegation to see addition Bro Dude in his 40's with a sleeveless jersey of Hernandez again.
Gene:
The admirers are the fucking affliction of any in the history of sports and if there’s one bold this analysis area some MBA Bain consultant, no-student-loan fuck in a Hogan jersey doesn’t appear with a 28-3 sign, I’ll be added abashed than the buyer of that bookstore was aback a woman showed up by herself to your account of The Hike.
Jay:
Our celebrity admirers (Affleck, Simmons, etc etc) are alike added absolutely detestable than the racist trolls hosting WEEI.
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dura-contract-and-dura-flex | Centura London and Windsor | Dura Contract Vinyl Plank FlooringI ambition Eli Manning would die from a safe actuality alone on him out of a skyscraper.
Jeremy:
The easiest way to RIP your inbox is to go on Patriots reddit and accomplish a absolute animadversion about Aaron Rodgers.
Meg:
I additionally capital to accommodate a articulation to Robert Kraft’s White Abode accent in which he compares Trump and the Patriots to the enactment of our country and gives the aggregation acclaim for allowance America afterwards 9/11. I about collection my car off a bluff aback I originally heard it on the radio. Serves me appropriate for alert to Boston sports talk.
Emily:
If you anytime appetite to acquaintance hell, analysis out Professor Thom’s during a playoff game. It’s a able allowance of Sullys and their girlfriends in blush jerseys badinage in New England bounded accents.
Jeremy:
Andrew:
Did you apperceive that Edelman has a claimed logo? Gross. If a Silicon Valley bro ablution and a Crossfitter fabricated a babyish it would be Julian Edelman.
Rob:
This was as babble as the excuse. He represents every “die-hard fan” of this team.
Noah:
Fuck Goodell, that goddamn allotment of bits should go eat a annoy iron.
Tony:
When I was a teenager, I was watching the bold in which Mo Lewis about manslaughtered Drew Bledsoe, bringing in Brady. I was watching with a relative’s bedmate and his father. As an abstracted aerial schooler, I said article forth the curve of “Who knows? Maybe Brady will be all right.”
The bedmate and his ancestor got loud and affronted about how that was the stupidest affair they accept anytime heard. That acquaintance sums up why I abhorrence actuality a Boston sports fan. Area I usually try to inject some achievement and acumen into my fandom, anybody abroad is reactionary, loud, and annoying. Accepting Mike Felger about hasn’t helped.
James:
David:
You apperceive how there are a agglomeration of “never Trump” Republicans who are like “Trump’s not one of us! I didn’t vote for him!” But really, if they were able to booty a moment of reflection, they’d admit that his godawful admiral is in actuality their fault. His blowhard racism is aloof an out loud adaptation of the Republican belvedere they’ve accurate for decades. The aforementioned accepted action is replicated with us.
Jack:
I accept a annual attitude of acclimation a Super Bowl block from Ralph’s with a account of Tom Brady’s best awkward moment from the able analysis printed on it. This able season, the bazaar told me that, due to complaints from the NFL, they were no best accustomed to book copyrighted pictures. I had to achieve for this instead. Acknowledgment a lot, fucksticks.
Ryan:
The Patriots, and Boston as a whole, acquire the best acute accumulation of admirers in all of sports, and they lap the competition. Our top rated morning appearance fabricated it their mission to anxiety a atramentous man a cheat afterwards he adamantine a ancestral accusation at Fenway Park, and abounding bodies on Twitter aggregate their appearance of the situation, including Nazi-fetishist Curt Schilling.
Speaking of Twitter, Patriots Twitter is a cesspool. Don’t anticipate for a additional bodies adore these amateur unless the Patriots are up 520-0. Apo-fucking-plectic.
We bless the racist Irish townies, romanticizing them as accurate “Bostonians.” We accept some appealing acceptable schools and hospitals actuality you know, but we’d rather be represented by Fitzy McScallyCap, who was befuddled out of the Dropkick Murphy’s St. Patrick’s Day concert for the fourth year in a row, and is still pissed they let gay bodies advance in the parade.
Sorry this doesn’t accept abundant to do with the team. I aloof can’t angle a ample allocation of this fanbase. The Patriots accept done some adumbral bits in the past, and accessory with a walking colostomy bag. Yet I feel like 50-60% of the animadversion directed against the aggregation has to do with our fans.
Jeremy:
I watch all of the Patriots amateur at my die-hard Bengals fan friend’s apartment. Two or three times every Patriot’s game, he threatens to bandy me off of his third adventure accommodation balustrade into his complex’s pool, which is aloof bank abundant that I will aloof be able to breach both my legs. He threatens me so because I piss him off with my massive inferiority circuitous and bellicose attributes that is innately grained in all Patriots fans, so abundant that we are clumsy to booty pride in annihilation our amazingly able aggregation achieves.
Sentences I accept absolutely accurate in my friend’s attendance that accept resulted in a balustrade threat:
“We’re alone up by four touchdowns with bristles account left. We can still lose.”
“I capital the shutout, I can’t accept we gave up a acreage ambition in debris time, what a abhorrent game.”
“We didn’t get the #1 berry in the playoffs? What the fuck is the point in anything, the able analysis was a waste.”
I accept aught apperception of what it is like to be a fan of a aggregation with REAL quarterback problems, REAL apprenticeship problems, or REAL affairs problems so I aloof accomplish up some babble to feel air-conditioned and wallow in self-pity. One day my acquaintance absolutely is activity to bandy me off that balustrade and I am not activity to accusation him.
Jay:
I apperceive submissions are bankrupt but god fucking dammit.
Brian:
The admirers are absonant fatass shitheels who adorned themselves BLUE COLLAR EVERYMEN and adhere on to an insurmountable inferiority circuitous admitting witnessing one of the greatest sports dynasties that will anytime exist, and the defining aspersion that this aggregation will be remembered for isn’t article kinda badass like Bountygate, but a years-long acknowledged activity over whether or not Brady knew that Bawbee from Quinzee and Jawnee from Reveeah let some air out of some goddamn footballs.
I alone apperceive bodies who STILL anticipate we should barter Brady while we can because he’s done up and Janeane Garofalo will be a bigger QB in the connected run.
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Dura Contract Vinyl Plank Flooring – Meze Blog | Dura Contract Vinyl Plank FlooringFuck New Hampshire, fuck Vermont, fuck Massachusetts, added fuck Maine, SUPERFUCK Connecticut, and I couldn’t accord beneath of a bits about Rhode Island if you paid me. Fuck me, too.
Oh, and fuck the Jets.
Jake:
When the Pats won, I logged assimilate Twitter. I’d been alienated that armpit aback I had gotten dumped afresh and didn’t appetite to adulterate the timeline with depressed bullshit. The aboriginal affair I saw was anybody retweeting those goddammed Richard Spencer tweets about him admiring the Pats, and that’s why acclaim for the Pats sucks, alike aback they accomplish you happier than you’ve been in weeks, someone’s still aloof gonna anxiety you a Nazi for acclaim for them.
Julia:
I alive in CA and I nervously attending over my accept like I’m exhausted the mafia every time I leave the abode with my Gronk jersey on. I pretend that I’m aloft added admirers and their antics, aback absolutely I about-face into a beastly beastly anytime Toooom Braydee completes a pass. Legit beastly — this glottal bark and white frat boy anchor pump exits my anatomy and it’s like I’m watching myself be a douchebag but I can’t stop it. This is why this year while watching the Super Bowl anybody in the allowance anticipation I was a allotment of shit...and they were right.
My accomplice is a Steelers fan, and still anybody I apperceive who isn’t from NE takes his ancillary aback it comes bottomward to it. Allegation I say more?
Dave:
You can still broadcast any Patriots fan (including me) and get a abundant arresting overreaction by cogent them that Aaron Rodgers is a bigger QB than Tom Brady and would accept assorted championships if the Packers’ aegis was anytime as acceptable as any Patriots D during a Super Bowl year.
Steve:
I absolutely had addition get in my face and try to alpha a action at the bar the added night because I said I anticipation we would “only” go 13-3 and didn’t booty it as a complete accustomed that we would win the Super Bowl.
Kevin:
When the Pats were bottomward 28-3 in the third quarter, I texted my ancestor and brother and said “I’m accomplished with this.” Look, I get that to Brady, Belichick and Kraft, Trump is “just a friend”, but if I begin out that my acquaintance had a dozen animal delinquency accusers or had run a artifice academy or did 1/40th of the bloodthirsty bits Trump has done over 30 years, they wouldn’t be my fucking acquaintance anymore.
Patrick:
Fuck Robert Kraft, Jonathan Kraft, Bill Belichick, and Donald Trump with a splintered, board dildo so big it can alone be apparent from space.
Full disclaimer: I drunkenly fought a Broncos fan afterwards the 2015 AFC championship, which was absolutely assumed and wholly my fault. I will abide to avert Tom Brady and the absolute Patriots apprenticeship staff/system as the greatest the bold has anytime seen.
Jon:
This is how advantaged I am as a Pats fan: I abhorrence my aggregation for sucking during the aboriginal bisected of the Super Bowl because I got blackout bashed drowning my sorrows and don’t bethink the additional half.
Thomas:
When I acknowledgment to my accompany that Patriots amateur are too boring, I get ridiculed, complete and absolute shame. This is not fair. Is it too abundant to ask for a 9-7 analysis that grows a little beard on my chest every Sunday? I don’t anticipate it is. ... Actuality a Patriots fan absolutely does blot and no one out there feels my pain.
SWS:
My wife and I collection 14 hours to see the Patriots vs. Browns game, anniversary 5 of the 2016 season. Decked out in our Pats gear, we accomplished ESPN acreage passes and fabricated our way to area 3 abreast the visitor’s tunnel. It was declared to be awesome.
To our absolute dismay, no bulk of calling, waving, or signaling, could get the absorption of any player, coach, or Mr. Kraft (I played CB at his “Kraft Stadium” in Jerusalem).
Even as they stood and arid absolved aural arms-length from my wife and I, not a distinct amateur would about-face their arch or alike glance in our direction. We sat there and admired aloof one amateur would additional a smile or nod to a brace of admirers in a sea of brown.
As we sat at the tunnel, abundant browns players came over to the admirers continuing beside us, adhering them, giving some their gloves or gear, and demography pictures.
Edelman stood 3 anxiety abroad from us and banned to accede the two admirers cutting his jersey, aloof aggravating to get his absorption for a breach second...
Danny Amendola, who was understandably absent with the calmness of the approaching alpha was the alone amateur with abundant chic to accomplish eye-contact with me as the pats players arid absolved aback to the tunnel. I was too afraid that addition absolutely looked over to say annihilation and he bound affronted abroad awkwardly.
After spending 14 of 24 hours active to the 33-13 blowout, I aloof achievement I can barter my Edelman jersey for a #80.
Not activity to bother acreage passes again...
Nick:
While the Pats were bottomward 28-3, I told my associate at a bar that I artlessly hoped they could abate the advance so it was not a draft out. As the Pats belted their way back, I connected to alcohol heavily (beer and Jager). Suddenly they angry it and bits was on. I proceeded to get aback to bits talking and access it up 10x (I apparently said some racist shit, I am not alike sure) to the point area my accompany were visibly afflictive (as my gf told me the afterward day). Aback they denticulate the TD, I stood up on the table and gave two average fingers to the three altered tables (possibly 12 bodies in total, women included) I had been blatant at all game. It candidly looked like Conor McGregor and the babble he pulls in columnist conferences, except for the actuality that I am hardly ample and cipher finds me intimidating.
Suddenly one of the guys I had addled off affective my legs and pulled me bottomward to the table. Punches were thrown. Four added gentlemen abutting in the exhausted down. It was a flurry of claret and beer. I got royally fucked up. Of the bristles accompany I came with, alone two jumped in to advice me. The added three were acceptable ashamed of me and anticipation I adapted it, or they are aloof pussies. I can’t decide. I am appealing abiding my adherent thinks beneath of me to this day.
Anyways, Pats won. Activity is good. My face eventually healed. My accompany are assholes, but I cannot do any better, so fuck it.
Dave:
I adulation the Patriots, but at this point I see no acumen to watch any of their amateur until at atomic the AFC Championship Game. What’s the point aback you apperceive the aggregation is activity to go 13-3? At minimum. Every year.
Instead, I absorb the absolute analysis aloof about how acceptable they are, about how they’re activity to win the Super Bowl and arresting the base Belichick/Kraft/Brady assembly to my accompany and co-workers, admitting not watching a distinct breeze until the playoffs.
They’ve absolutely fabricated acceptable boring.
I am aggregate you abhorrence about New England & Boston sports admirers in general.
Marcus:
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DURA CONTRACT CLIC | Centura London and Windsor | Dura Contract Vinyl Plank FlooringI’m a Patriots fan. I don’t apperceive what ache feels like anymore. I can’t get it up to abhorrence added teams like I acclimated to. The hopes and dreams of bottom teams beggarly annihilation to me. I don’t alike feel like I allegation to watch football until the AFC championship game. Aback Ndamukong Suh ends Brady’s career by stomping on his nuts, I won’t be mad. Best of luck to the blow of you.
Special acknowledgment to all the readers and GMG staffers who helped accord to this year’s series.
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