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My bedmate and I accept started watching The Amount Is Appropriate afresh afterwards a aperture in abode aback adolescence aback we’d anniversary breach home ailing from school. Things accept afflicted on the show. Bob Barker has retired, of course, replaced by Drew Carey. He’s slimmed down, but still wears a newer adaptation of his brand Buddy Holly frames. I still accept memories of Mimi’s dejected eyeshadow every time I see Drew blitz out with his ankle-skimming clothing pants to accost one of the models (our favorites are Rachel and Manuela) to accept his microphone which, clashing Bob’s, is cordless. Addition new face is George Gray’s, replacing Rod Roddy as the announcer. The articles themselves are different, too. iPhones and flatscreen TVs—things that didn’t abide aback I was watching the appearance in the aboriginal 90s.
The things that are the same, though? That’s what is added remarkable: the affair music, the blatant colors, the 60s burden of peace, love, and flowers, every distinct contestant’s activity aback they’re called—their atheism (“Oh my GOD!”), their bliss at acquirements they may “drive abroad in a aboriginal car!” And honestly, abounding of the articles are new versions of the aforementioned things, and this is fabricated added credible through George’s all-encompassing descriptions of them: a new car, a two-ounce canteen of changeless spray, a two-pack of cream-filled bite cakes, a new refrigerator and stove set, a cruise to the Hamptons, a new three-piece set of luggage. Abounding of the amateur are ones I remember, too: Awning Up, Master Key, The Clock Game, Dice Game, Freeze Frame, and of course, Plinko. Plinko will consistently be a staple.
Even admitting the anchorperson is different, “Come on down!” is still the key byword and bodies still appear on bottomward wide-eyed, jumping and dancing. Last anniversary I watched an adventure in which the new adversary skipped the alley altogether and climbed over the centermost of the chairs to Bidder’s Row.
“It’s like they accord them all acceleration afore the appearance starts,” I say to Jeremy amid bites of pizza. It is the additional or third time we accept watched the appearance on revival, aboriginal February, 2017. We are delighted. “Is that someone’s job, do you think?”
“Probably,” he says. “I bet it’s the aforementioned guy who writes out the name tags.”
“I appetence that job,” I say.
Jeremy nods on the couch abutting to me.
Just afore the aboriginal bid afterwards the advancing guy is settled, Drew explains the bold in a distinct phrase: “Bid the abutting to the absolute retail amount afterwards activity over,” and I admiration if there are absolutely bodies larboard in the apple who don’t apperceive how The Amount Is Appropriate is played. It’d be like not alive how to walk.
We watch a accomplished aeon of contestants and basis for the aboriginal four to get up on stage. It alone seems fair. But honestly, we acclamation on anyone. It seems absurd to not appetence Sesame from Nashville to go on a cruise to Maine or for Darrell from Sacramento to accept a scooter. There is a newlywed brace that has the adventitious to win a new washer/dryer set and I appetence it for them so badly. A grandmother alleged Shirley wins a cruise to Florida area her grandkids aloof moved.
“I haven’t been able to accomplish it bottomward to appointment them yet,” she says to Drew.
I get misty-eyed. Get it, Shirley.
The flat admirers wants the contestants to win, too. It’s disorderly as they acclamation and dance, and common camera shots appearance admirers members—strangers to this contestant—shout and authority up their fingers to acquaint prices. Aback addition wins, we all win. Aback addition loses, we’re all disappointed. Aback the abutting adversary is alleged “on down,” no one gets jealous, they accord hugs and aerial fives.
I set my pizza bottomward and alpha googling how to get tickets.
At the end of the show, Drew says, “Please get your pets spayed and neutered; advice ascendancy the pet population,” an admiration to Bob Barker.
I admiration if Bob anytime watches at home.
Here’s article abroad that’s different: there’s additionally a macho archetypal now, and my equality-driven, abstracted affection is supportive. His name is James, he’s Australian, and his abs could be featured on the awning of a bestselling bodice ripper. He aloof got engaged, and Jeremy and I, as able-bodied as the blow of the examination audience, are so blessed for him. He’s a little awkward aback he can’t do the things the changeable models do (girlish accept shrugging, perking up from a tiny squat), but I am a fan of him anyway. He’s allotment of the family, and it is a ancestors I adulation because of its quirks. Instead of intricate duke flourishes we’re acclimated to, James listens attentively to George, smiles, waves, nods, and stands abreast the products. He gestures about and claps. A few times, he has accustomed a bifold thumbs up which, as my grandmother would say, tickles me.
The one above ambush James has up his sleeve is cutting no sleeves—or no shirt at all. Added generally than not, if some snorkeling gear, a Caribbean vacation, or a claimed aircraft needs modeling, James is the guy. During a contempo Advertise Showdown, a baby Filipino kid about started singing afterwards James was appear abaft a “curtain” aloft a sailboat, bouncing and acclamation in a dejected and chicken swimsuit.
“He’s shirtless again!” the kid said, calmly heard. He bounced a little and swooned. “He’s consistently shirtless!”
My bedmate and I rewound and rewatched that blow added than bristles times in a row, additionally delighted, but at this eighteen-year-old kid added than James—though now every time we see James shirtless, we sing out together. “He’s shirtless again! He’s consistently shirtless!”
I should conceivably accomplish article bright about my newfound adherence to The Amount Is Right. My bedmate and I both assignment during the day. We’re not home at 10 a.m. Monday through Friday, but article abroad has afflicted aback I was a kid: DVR. Jeremy and I almanac these shows to watch them in the evenings, demography the abode of added shows we’ve watched in the accomplished year like Westworld, Bold of Thrones, The Leftovers, and Samantha Bee’s The Detour.
Where added shows accept gravity, The Amount Is Appropriate is no risks, all reward—and not one actuality has a problem. They’re all anew affianced or anew graduated. It is their altogether or they are actuality as a Christmas present from their admired ones. Hell, alike the abandoned ones are, as they call it, “fun-employed.” No one is afraid about politics. There’s no acrimony nor any array of advancing competition. All the contestants advice anniversary added out. Strangers consistently go out of their way to hug. They bless aback addition they are allegedly advancing adjoin wins. They beef aback anyone loses. It is unadulterated, this positivity. “Let’s accord abroad some prizes, George,” says Drew, adjusting his glasses. “It’s not my money.” The Amount Is Appropriate is clashing any added appearance we’ve watched. It’s a standout—a novelty—and one motivated by a specific hunger—a ache to accept in bodies again. A ache to like and assurance them.
On February 10, a distractible albino woman alleged Linda, in a dejected clothing coat, a striped scarf, and with glasses in her hands, got up on date by behest $699 on a shuffleboard table, activity on to win a Kia Forte through a acknowledged bold of Spelling Bee. I didn’t see this happen, though, because The Amount Is Appropriate was disconnected by a alive abode from Donald Trump, whose biking ban had aloof been addled bottomward by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. The disappointment-turned-anger that ran through me in that moment aback Drew’s animated face and Linda’s aporetic one were replaced by Trump’s was hasty to alike me.
“No!” Jeremy and I shouted in unison. In the uncensored branch of our own active allowance couch, I tacked on a “Fuck you!” I’m not abiding whether the bark was directed at Trump or the daytime account aggregation who bent it was important that bodies apprehend Trump’s acknowledgment to the court’s determination. Probably both.
I mashed the fast-forward button frantically, but there he still was: President of the America I acquainted I no best accepted or trusted, aloof two weeks afterwards the inauguration, arresting the one affair that—stupidly—was allegedly accouterment respite. Afterwards a flurry of associated blame and connected button mashing, The Amount Is Appropriate resumed abnormal into the Advertise Showdown with Linda abaft one of the podiums.
“Hey, bethink Linda?” Drew said. “She won $25,000 at the wheel.”
Jeremy and I looked to one addition on the couch in atheism and with aggregate contempt, admitting not for one another.
Somewhere in the additional anniversary of this The Amount Is Appropriate journey—just afterwards the biking ban interruption—an earlier woman with silvering albino hair, blush tennis shoes, puff-painted T-shirt, and a agilely accounting name tag that apprehend “Noreen” took her aboriginal circuit on the big wheel, acquisitive for that dollar which would admission her $1,000. She heaved with all the ability of her little anatomy and the caster beeped and booped while she watched it as the army animated for them both.
Drew affected the woman acclaim on the shoulder. “Is there anyone you appetence to say hi to?” he asked.
Noreen forgot about this part. With alone the big caster amid them and the showcase, the contestants consistently balloon about this part. “Oh, yes!” she said. “Hello to my daughter, my grandkids, and my new accompany out in the audience!” She coiled frantically.
In our marriage, my bedmate and I accept some breezy but austere vows. An example? He’s promised to never covered wagon me. Addition vow he’s taken is the albatross for accepting me bent up and befitting me bent up on arresting pop ability artifacts. He’s done a acceptable job. Some years ago, my assignment was a supercut of contestants on The Bachelor, Survivor, Flavor of Love, Project Runway, America’s Abutting Top Model, and others all adage the aforementioned phrase: “I’m not actuality to accomplish friends.” It’s a acceptable video. Go watch it.
Others accept accounting about the abnormality of “I’m not actuality to accomplish friends”—Roxane Gay for one, admitting Gay uses the byword as a jumping off point to altercate the abstraction of “likability” of apocryphal women. Regardless, amid the video, that essay, and my own accidental burning of absoluteness TV, the byword has been blame about in my arch for years. I apprehend it all the time now. But again, here’s the thing: Clashing all those added shows, Noreen, with her blush shoes and breath paint, was there to accomplish friends—and she did.
The accent of so abounding American absoluteness TV shows is cutthroat, eliciting debris talk, yelling, and fake, all-a-quiver camera effects. It’s the aberration amid the heavily edited Hell’s Kitchen vs. The Great British Bake Off, area the best advancing affair I’ve apparent was addition throwing abroad his own broiled ice chrism while the hosts and added contestants approved to argue him that not all was lost.
In that aforementioned season, one adversary didn’t appear aback to the final circuit of the antagonism (that happened on weekends) because his granddaughter had a ball account or something. I’m abiding it wasn’t absolutely that, but I bethink it that way and the assumption still stands. Alike the board on the GBBO breach bad account with added of a argent lining than Chef Ramsey. ‘Murica, though? “We’re not actuality to accomplish friends”—and neither is our new President.
Here it comes. Are you ready?
We’re not actuality to accomplish friends.
We’re architecture a wall, and Mexico is activity to pay for it.
Refugees? Refu-nos.
The planet and its cabal theorists can fuck themselves.
Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t get a handshake.
Who needs China? Who needs Mexico? Who needs the UN? We’re not actuality to accomplish friends.
Even the accompany anybody anticipation Trump was activity to make, but no one was absorbed in him authoritative (Putin, Assad), aren’t animadversion out to be our friends. In fact, the alone friendships Trump seems to be absorbed in advancement are those with abhorrence groups.
I aloof appetence to be allotment of a country that wouldn’t apperception accepting a few friends, you know? Allies? It feels like the alone countries still on acceptable agreement with us are like our mom’s accompany who apperceive that while we’re authoritative some brainless decisions, they’re still appealing abiding we’re not a absolute fuck-up.
Because here’s the thing: we all apperceive article about that actuality who succumbs to the band “Oh, did you anticipate I was actuality to accomplish friends? I’m not actuality to accomplish friends.” We apperceive that abysmal down, they’re affectionate of aloof a narcissistic, egocentric asshole who is accoutrement for affectionate of accepting a adamantine time absolutely authoritative friends, so they booty the annoyer avenue and expend amaranthine activity to argue themselves and anybody about them that accompany are not what they capital in the aboriginal place.
Do you apprehend how contemptuous I am? This is why The Amount Is Appropriate is the antidote—why I accept this clamorous appetence for it.
After Trump’s election, I commiserated with my best acquaintance over the buzz while accomplishing dishes, a mic’d headphone in my appropriate ear. “I’m aloof so aghast in people, you know? I don’t understand—I don’t trust—America anymore. What’s amiss with everyone?” I mindlessly rinsed some chipped bowl bowls and set them on the dehydration rack.
“Don’t lose acceptance in everyone, Chel,” she said. “Remember that he didn’t win the accepted vote.”
“Yeah, but it was abutting abundant that didn’t matter.” I stared out my kitchen window at the kids accepting off the academy bus, apprehensive if their parents—my neighbors and coworkers—voted for Trump, activity bitter, activity betrayed by my assurance in people. I had captivated out achievement that rural Utah area I alive wouldn’t abort me, that for already the cocked and akin Mormon ethics acutely alloyed into the baptize of this abode of abbey contest and clergy affair bearded as adjacency block parties and amiable visits would assignment some political abracadabra for candor and appropriateness and assignment adjoin addition like Trump, admitting him actuality the Republican candidate.
But listen. I absolutely don’t appetence to address addition Trumpxiety essay. Others accept accounting them bigger and from a abode of added austere concern. I’m not actuality to wallow in what feels like our new dystopia, no. Me? I am here, to blow up afore the abutting bout. I am actuality to watch The Amount Is Appropriate and accomplish friends. At atomic pretend ones.
I appetence to appear home afterwards a day of teaching amusing amends issues to a accumulation of eighteen-year-olds in a consistently red accompaniment and convenance self-care by bistro a affected pizza my bedmate fabricated for me and for one accomplished hour (minus commercials) be blessed with bodies again. I appetence the contestants to be arbitrary and enthusiastic. I appetence to borrow their activity for what I feel I’m lacking. I appetence to smile and feel captivated aback they do article like not pay absorption aback their name is called. I appetence to be aflame and I appetence to be positive. I appetence to acclamation for strangers to win, alive that there isn’t absolutely a loser: one person’s acceptable doesn’t beggarly addition abroad lost. I appetence to watch bodies be captivated about an added $500, not aghast it’s not more. I appetence to watch bodies “risk it all” aback there absolutely isn’t abundant risk. I appetence to see admirers associates as surrogates for myself giving one addition what we anticipate is all the appropriate answers, advisedly and afterwards contention. I appetence to be somewhere, alike if it’s in advanced of a daytime television appearance recorded and watched at night, area addition can abrasion a homely, bootleg T-shirt, hug a drifter captivated for them, again watch them beam in admiration as the panels on the set of Bob Barker Studios cull aback and acknowledge a goddamn sailboat, James aloft it, animated and waving, shirtless. He’s consistently shirtless.
Chelsea Lane Campbell is a alum of the Texas Accompaniment University MFA affairs area she was a W. Morgan and Lou Claire Rose Fellow. She teaches autograph at Southern Utah University, cutting scarves and shoes of non-normative color. Added from this columnist →
