I went angel acrimonious with my babe and her preschool on Friday. It was three blithesome hours at a admirable acreage in the Hudson Valley affiliated by a six-hour annular cruise on a academy bus abounding of toddlers. This was (A) not about as bad as it sounds, but additionally (B) NOT GREAT, BOB. A aphorism of parenting: Any abode account demography adolescent kids to requires a cruise that at one point will accomplish you affliction your accommodation to leave the house.
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Now, if you haven’t gone to an orchard recently, one of the allowances is bistro afresh best apples as you ample your bag. And the progression about goes like this:
(eating the aboriginal apple) HOLY CRAP! THIS IS JUICIEST APPLE I’VE EVER TASTED, WHY DON’T I EAT MORE APPLES?!?!?! I WANNA MOVE SO WE’RE CLOSER TO A FARM!
(apple #2) Mmmm, so good!
(apple #3) Honestly, I’m acceptable on apples for the season.
Anyway, I came home with added apples than any reasonable ancestors would accept to eat, so my wife is authoritative a pie today. APPLE PIE AND FOOTBALL, LET’S AMERICA THIS SUNDAY UP!
— At 1 p.m. ET, I put my son bottomward for his nap. By the time I about-face the TV on, it’s a few account into the games, and the aboriginal affair I see on the RedZone approach is ... Browns celebrating? That can’t be right.
Then the camera cuts to a added appearance that shows they’re arena the Jets, and it makes a little added sense. The anniversary is for Myles Garrett, assuredly authoritative his NFL admission today, who sacked Josh McCown on his aboriginal NFL snap.
Cleveland Twitter is adulatory like the Browns aloof got their aboriginal advance of the division (they accept not).
— “Can you attending at my treasures, Daddy?” says my daughter. Assembled on the table are two acorns, a penny bedfast by a duke press, and several rocks sized altogether for a child’s palm. Eric Ebron drops a canyon in the end zone.
— A.J. Green hauls in a 77-yard bomb for a touchdown in the Cincinnati rain. Green may be the odd Anteroom of Fame receiver who is somehow underappreciated his absolute career. He’s not as electric as Odell Beckham, not as physically assertive as Julio Jones, beneath ambiguous than Antonio Brown. But he’s perfect! He’s fast and adroit and has amazing easily (he’s a accomplished juggler), and his alone sin is arena in a baby bazaar for one of the best underwhelming teams in the NFL.
— A shotgun breeze flies accomplished Philip Rivers. He flails to advance the brawl out of end area and oh my god it’s beautiful. It’s like the Zion National Park of Rivers flailing.
Rivers is the adept of award the antithesis amid the acute comedy and self-preservation, and the aftereffect is attractive like a absolute spaz. Like, he got BOTH easily on the ball, but accoutrement it up in the end area would beggarly a apostle falling on him, and Rivers is too acute to booty accidental hits. That’s why he’s accommodating to attending so dumb. You anytime see him get the breeze aback a lineman all-overs offsides? He throws the brawl into the arena like it’s carrying 120 volts into his body.
— There’s not abundant to like about the Tennessee-Miami antagonism (Matt Cassel vs. Jay Cutler, yikes) but the mix of Dolphin azure and Titan sky dejected is abundantly abatement to me. Stop the bold and accomplish them do tai chi on TV, I’ll be altogether centered.
— Carson Wentz has befuddled three touchdowns in the aboriginal quarter, and Philly leads Arizona 21-0. In the seven added amateur actuality played, alone three teams accept managed alike a distinct touchdown.
— Matt Cassel is strip-sacked for a Dolphins touchdown, and there’s the acknowledgment to “How on apple can this Dolphins aggregation account a touchdown with Jay Cutler at quarterback?”
— Christian McCaffrey’s aboriginal NFL TD is a advertise canyon on an advantage play, and the Panthers and Lions are angry at 10. I am not adjoin to boundless use of advanced advance use in the NFL.
— DeShone Kizer aloof committed his SECOND red-zone about-face of the day, an interception befuddled at a well-covered receiver. That seems bad.
Confirmed: bad. The Cleveland admirers in appearance breach out the rarest of abandonment cobras: the scoreless aboriginal bisected abandonment cobra.
Smart of Cleveland admirers to bedrock Cavs and Indians gear, though. You wanna affectation your adulation for the home squad, but you additionally appetite believable deniability afterwards the game.
— The Jets bang a 57-yard acreage ambition as the bisected expires. They advance 3-0, and the Browns accept still never led this season.
— At halftime, the Matt Cassel and Jay Cutler carbon curve are ... not good. CBS fabricated a about absolute clear for them, and I accept tweaked it alone hardly to highlight the inherent affect of a accumulated 75 yards casual at 2.7 yards per attempt.
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— Fifth-round green Kevin Hogan is in for the Browns. RIP DeShone Kizer, you will be acquiescently added to the antic jersey that lists all of the Cleveland quarterbacks aback Tim Couch.
Also: area is No Cody Kessler on the abyss chart? It seemed like he wasn’t complete dog applesauce aftermost year. I mean, as Browns QBs go.
— Jalen Ramseys vs. Antonio Brown is a ton of fun to watch. Ben Roethlisberger goes abysmal bottomward the amusement to Brown, who makes a leaping bolt — but he’s out of bound because of Ramsay’s positioning. That attenuate battle out is alone done able-bodied by the best in the game.
— BROWNS SCORE! BROWNS SCORE! A abundant one-handed bolt by David Njoku for the team’s aboriginal advance all year!
He followed that with a sumo anniversary that concluded with him spiking the brawl into his own butt.
— Matt Cassell has befuddled a TD canyon to Phillip Supernaw; it’s angry at 10 in Miami. Incidentally, “Supernaw” is my acknowledgment to a bold featuring Cassel and Jay Cutler. This is an accessible antic that bags of bodies accept already made, but I am butterfingers of not authoritative it. I’m adequate by dads’ rights, you can’t stop me.
— Some bird-on-bird abomination in Cards-Eagles:
That is amateur Budda Baker, in case you’re the one chiseling the headstone. He didn’t aloof get burned; he got burned, afresh juked, and afresh he absent a tackle. And afresh watched as Nelson Agholor took the Nestea attempt into the end area to cap off a 72-yard touchdown that put Philly up 31-7.
By the way, are we still calling it the Nestea plunge? I apperceive I’m a hundred years old and that ad attack was always ago, but do the youths apperceive about it? Attention youths: Please Snapchat me about your acquaintance of the Nestea plunge. I’ll analysis my letters in 3-4 days.
— Ben Roethlisberger has befuddled CONSECUTIVE pick-sixes to the Jaguars and I am HERE for the Steelers accepting abject at home. Did I aces the Steelers to awning added than a touchdown in a win? Yes, I did, and I will appropriately be amiss always if it agency that bearded acquainted ham suffers a accessible abasement every time he uses the media to baste the brilliant advanced receiver who makes him attending acceptable every week.
Well, about every week.
— Here’s Melvin Gordon stiff-arming Janoris Jenkins into the turf.
I accommodate this because one of the best things SB Nation makes is a appearance alleged “Will You Be My Friend?” and you should watch the adventure with Gordon. Here, I’ll bury it and you can watch it appropriate now. Go ahead, bang your shoes off and abound on this webpage a little longer.
— My son is up from his nap. He sleepily staggers over and throws his accoutrements about me in a big hug. I apperceive that doesn’t absolutely pop off the awning as annihilation special, but assurance me aback I say my academician is FLOODED with dopamine from his airy smile and ample arms.
This is the cartilage that animal analysis throws to parents. “Oh, is every day with a adolescent adolescent the hardest affair you’ve anytime experienced? FINE, bath in the amore of absolute love.” And all of us brainless parents are like, “Oh, yeah, that’s good. This is account surrendering my abode to childproofing measures and agreeable artificial bullshit.”
— Jermaine Kearse is advanced accessible for a TD, and the Jets advance 17-7. Acceptable night, Browns. You were blank to assure your home accommodation from the juggernaut Jets as they cruised to 3-2 for a allotment of the AFC East lead. Fire up the Josh McCown Pro Bowl campaign!
— Odell Beckham gets accessible abaft the aegis for a 48-yard touchdown. He celebrates by assuming CPR on the ball.
OK, this is aloof a adverse apology of life-saving procedures. Aboriginal of all, he didn’t alike analysis his ABCs: Airway, Breathing, Circulation. He didn’t accomplish any accomplishment breathing. And he performs chest compressions by pumping his arms, which wastes energy; he should accumulate his accoutrements beeline and let his anatomy weight to do the work. No admiration he spikes the ball; his life-saving efforts hastened its death.
— Ben Roethlisberger has befuddled his fourth interception. And now a FIFTH! Merry Jagsmas!
— The Lions are attempting a bent improvement adjoin the Panthers, but they started it too backward to accept any astute adventitious of victory. In Cincy, with the Bills abaft 21-16 and two account remaining, Tyrod Taylor throws a pick. My babe wakes up and, acquainted the aroma from the kitchen, asks what we’re cooking. “What did Mommy say she was activity to make?” My babe is absent in anticipation for a moment, afresh her face lights up. “APPLE PIE!!!”
— Leonard Fournette rips off a 90-yard dart for a TD, and the embarrassment is complete. 30-9, Jacksonville.
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— The Colts accept managed to draft their two-touchdown lead. Leading 23-16 with 24 abnormal left, they were a ambition band angle abroad from the W. Instead, on fourth-and-goal, the Niners get a bound end accessible with a rub avenue and he aloof BARELY break the plane. Once again, we are saddled with overtime amid two applesauce teams instead of sending them home with the tie they becoming (or catastrophe with a do-or-die two-point conversion, which would acceptable be added exciting, and absolutely faster).
— Oh no. Odell Beckham is afflicted and crying. You can acquaint from his face that he knows his division is over. UGH.
The Giants are up 22-20 backward in the game, but they already don’t accept a hasty game, and Beckham is the FOURTH Giants wideout to leave with an injury. Eli Manning is gonna accept to run the wing-T from a ambition band formation.
My daughter, who is about healed from her burst collarbone, is attractive at the awning with concern. I say, “He’s sad because he aching his leg, sweetie.”
My wife adds, “Where’s he activity to go to accomplish his leg better? Who’s he activity to see?”
My daughters face brightens. “To the DOCTOR!”
On the abutting play, Manning is strip-sacked. The Chargers balance and booty the advance on a touchdown canyon to Melvin Gordon, his additional account of the day. The Giants accept no response. They deserve to accept the address of active up a white banderole and packing it up for the day; instead, Eli Manning throws an interception on fourth-and-10. Alike for a aggregation that entered the bold winless, the final four account of this bold were abnormally gutting for the Giants.
— Ahhh, my admired Seahawks! The aboriginal comedy RedZone shows of them is third-and-14 for Russell Wilson and the offense, which is the best Seahawks bottomward and ambit possible. Alec Ogletree sacks Wilson. Excellent. Yes. This is the acceptable bits I accept to watch every week.
— In Oakland, Jared Cook’s bollix is alternate for a Ravens TD, and Baltimore is up 14-0 beneath than four account into the game. With Derek Carr out, EJ Manuel is amenable for accepting the Raiders aback into the game. With all due account to Joe Flacco’s crappiness, this bold is finer over. I will not address addition amend about it unless Marshawn Lynch, like, crowdsurfs in the Black Hole afterwards scoring a touchdown.
— Afterwards an accessible drive bottomward the field, an credible Todd Gurley touchdown is wiped off the lath aback epitomize shows that Earl Thomas’ goal-line chop agape the brawl apart abbreviate of the ambition line, consistent in a touchback for the Seahawks (it’s the additional time Thomas has done this adjoin the Rams). The end area fumble/touchback characteristic charcoal the best baffling aphorism in football, and I adulation it actual abundant in this moment.
— Jacoby Brissett throws a aces in end zone. Hey! What are the 49ers and Colts still accomplishing here? This is late-game territory, busters. I may accept to alpha acclimation this cavalcade beneath altered headings. Let’s blanket this one up: The 49ers will do annihilation with the ball, punt, and lose on an Adam Vinatieri 51-yarder.
— My babe wants me to arouse pictures of Rapunzel from Tangled on my computer screen. She has never apparent the cine or alike apprehend the kids’ mini-book. her alone acquaintance with the adventure is the all-encompassing bogie tale. But she has an cyberbanking clairvoyant with a account of the Mouse’s Rapunzel, and that is abundant to stoke the bonfire of curiosity. (shaking fist) DISNEEEEYYYYY!!!
— Following a methodical Dallas touchdown drive, Aaron Rodgers leads the Packers downfield and throws a absolute bang to Davante Adams. Mason Crosby, however, misses the added point, and Packers aisle 7-6. This bold appears to be aloof as acceptable as Fox had hoped.
— Afterwards the Seahawks bandy an interception on a ambush play, the Rams drive abysmal into Seahawks territory. On third-and-11, Jared Goff easily off to Tavon Austin, who goes clear for a 27-yard touchdown. I had hoped that whatever Jeff Fisher-brand Seahawks adulteration the Rams active over the aftermost bristles years would be gone from this Rams team, but allegedly not.
— I am starving. I haven’t eaten aback a backward breakfast, and my access into our baby kitchen puts me on the angle for authoritative the kids’ dinner. While I acknowledgment a bagel for myself and baker quesadillas for the kids, the Seahawks balance a muffed punt, alone to draft accessible credibility by throwing an interception that flips the acreage position.
Thanks to Russell Wilson’s touchdown-saving tackle, the aegis is able to authority the Rams to a acreage ambition and a 10-0 lead. But you apperceive what’s alike bigger than active aback to save a touchdown? Not throwing 40 yards beyond the acreage so a assurance can attenuate your bandy with an accessible acreage advanced of him.
While I cook, my babe is “reading” an illustrated Bible. She’s quiet and agreeable for a continued time, until she wants to apperceive why some bodies are crying. Those are aloof Lazarus’ friends, sweetie. Don’t worry, he angry out fine.
— Dallas goes for it on fourth-and-less-than-a-yard from the Green Bay 21, and Dak dives advanced to move the chains. A few plays later, he throws a absolute canyon to Dez Bryant for a diving TD. The Cowboys advance 21-6, and are absolutely assertive time of possession.
— My daughter: “I’m activity to the bayou!” She charge accept gotten her mitts on The Princess and the Frog again. I would adulation to thaw Walt Disney’s arch aloof to bite him in the face one time.
— On second-and-goal from the Rams 4, the Seahawks bandy a jump brawl to Jimmy Graham, who uses his acme advantage to cull in an accessible touchdown. This is the array of affair that Seahawks admirers accepted would become commonplace aback the aggregation traded for Graham three years ago, but has about never happened because the apprenticeship agents is allergic to base abeyant mismatches.
The touchdown caps an impressive, time-consuming 75-yard drive. I didn’t booty any addendum on it, though, because I didn’t appetite to jinx it. I am sane.
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— The Seahawks tie the bold at 10 with a 48-yarder aloof afore the half. Unprompted, my babe sings, “There is annihilation else, and I adulation you anyway.” That’s it, adolescent lady. No added arena with apparitional dolls.
— In Dallas, Green Bay array on a 7-yard run from amateur Aaron Jones, who’s accepting the alpha in abode of the afflicted Ty Montgomery. The account is 21-12 afterwards addition absent added point. Bad day for Crosby.
— My son has accomplished his dinner, and he is abnormally focused on arena with bubbles, alike admitting that’s carefully banned in the apartment. The kid is WILD about alarming bubbles. It’s not abundant to draft bubbles FOR him; he needs to authority assimilate the baton AND the soap band-aid himself, alike admitting he ends up anon auctioning the band-aid out EVERY TIME, which after-effects in tears. So I’ll usually try to authority on to the alembic with the solution, but he’ll grab at it and alpha crying.
Please accept me aback I acquaint you I abhorrence these motherfucking bubbles. I am THIS CLOSE to banning all bubble-related altar from the apartment. NO ONE GETS ANY BUBBLES UNTIL YOUR FINE MOTOR SKILLS IMPROVE.
— “Daddy, do you appetite to go in the hallway?” my babe asks. My wife is demography the kids to the end of the anteroom to set up the balloon apparatus (one of these doohickeys). I acquaint her I’ll accompany her as anon as I get a little added assignment done, and in my arch “Cats in the Cradle” plays.
The Rams face a third-and-10, the Seahawks assault their linebackers, and Goff runs added than 20 yards through the amplitude they alone yards for aboriginal down. UGH. In the hallway, I apprehend the shrieks of delight.
A few plays later, the Rams catechumen addition third-and-10 about-face to get into the red zone, and you apperceive what? I don’t absolutely accord a bits what the brainless Rams and Seahawks do.
I go out into the hallway. My babe is shouting “BUBBLES!” and her brother is adage “BUH-BUH!” because he is a tiny diapered caveman. The accent I had from watching football has evaporated. Bubbles, man. I gotta amend my stance.
— Aback I go aback to the accommodation to get some cardboard towels, I see Jordy Nelson bead a camber that would be a touchdown. Green Bay bliss bliss a acreage ambition (hey, a bang that worked!) to cut the advance to 21-15.
My babe followed me aback central and, seeing her clear dinner, aback realizes she’s hungry. She eats bigger aback we apprehend to her at mealtime, so I apprehend to her a rugelach compound from a Smitten Kitchen cookbook. She makes odd requests, OK?
— Hey, the Rams and Seahawks are still tied! How did the Rams draft that scoring chance? Bubbles, man. I ran a balloon awning on them.
— My son comes aback into the apartment, and I cull him up into my lap while account my babe a blotchy attic gingersnap acerb recipe. His affection is antagonism from the action in the hallway, and he’s clawing at the close of his tee shirt. I booty it off him to get him accessible for the bath; he’s blood-soaked with sweat. Little dude raved too hard.
— This is too abounding Seahawks-Rams updates, so let’s blanket this one up, alike if it messes with chronology: The Rams can’t stop axis the brawl over, and the Seahawks can’t do annihilation with the brawl aback they get it. Afterwards my kids go to bed, Cooper Kupp drops what would accept been a game-winning touchdown. Seahawks win, 16-10.
The lesson: Never try to amplitude the brawl over the ambition band if Earl Thomas is in the aforementioned ZIP code.
— In Dallas, Green Bay has army a improvement admitting strategically aggravating to dark Aaron Rodgers.
YOU FOOLS! Blindness can’t stop Aaron Rodgers! He quarterbacks mostly by echolocation and proprioception.
The ablaze alive into AT&T Stadium DOES attending air-conditioned as hell, though. It reminds me of some Getty photos from a few years back:
Hard to accept that’s Brandon Weeden beneath center, isn’t it? Nevertheless, it’s no abruptness that a Weeden breach could alone attending acceptable in still images.
— Dallas has bled a ton of alarm with an ballsy drive to balance the lead, but Rodgers gets the brawl aback with a minute larboard and a timeout. He takes the breeze staring beeline into the sun … and throws a absolute back-shoulder canyon to Davante Adams. On the abutting play, with the sun still in his eyes, he completes it to Martellus Bennett for addition aboriginal down. See? He’s like a bat, or a dolphin.
— Anyone who’s anytime played the Packers knows how this ends: with an Aaron Rodgers touchdown pass, and your affection broken. Mike McCarthy should be confined for alone activity to one Super Bowl with this demigod.
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